And there I sat on the little bridge that stretched across a small stream running through my fatherâ€™s property. The
cool Autumn wind stroked my hair gently and I felt the vibrant spirit around me. What was this feeling, I wondered.
What was its source? Why was I so attracted to it. Earth. What a word which seemed to hold so much mystery. I
looked at the trees, listened closely to the blue-jays call. Leaning back on the bridge I looked up into the deep sky, the
puffy clouds mounting up like white pillars holding up a blue canopy. I was truly relaxed now, truly enjoying my
weekend again after a momentary interruption. Florida wildlife to a young boy of 11. What magic it was, and especially
the Autumn, which has forever been my season of empowerment.
I looked back at my house which lay not very far from the bridge, and grimaced somewhat. My parents and I had just
got back from church. How boring. Always lasting for hours long considering socializing, Sunday School, Church
Service and then socializing again. This was always the Sunday ritual that was just so, and never disputed. It would
begin even at home with, â€œGet up sonâ€�, my mother would call in a sing-songy voice. â€œItâ€™s the Lordâ€™s
dayâ€� with a smile on her face. There were already giant echoes throughout the house of three TVâ€™s displaying the
same program, Dr. D James Kennedy of Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church. It was as if he were set to an in-home loud
speaker of Newspeak as in George Orwellâ€™s Big Brother. My father idolized and yet to this day idolizes this man. His
eloquent vocabulary and masterful play of words, talk of the compassion of this man Jesus and the infallibility of the Holy
King James Bible brought tears and â€œamensâ€� from the faces of my creators - my parents. I never questioned any
aspect of my life at this time. I believed that it must be so, and often mimicked my parents when in conversation with
children and adults.
But something was utterly boring about the Sunday ritual and yet intoxicating in a frightening sense by all of this
religious blanketing. The only aspect that I truly did like was singing, and the feeling of an entire congregation lifting up
their voices in worship. At times I did truly feel what my parentâ€™s talked about; worshipping a god, although the
object of that worship was extremely foggy. This invisible entity, or was it two or three, because I truly couldnâ€™t
understand this idea of the Father and the Son being the same thing, was always an unclear concept to me, and so very
And this being, God, was quite terrifying as well. â€œSinners are going to hell to burn for eternityâ€� my father would
rant and rave, raise his eyebrows. Upon meeting someone he would immediately enter religious or political topics with the
individual sometimes detaining them for an hour at a time. It seemed that Jesus was somehow the nice one, however,
and God was the one we always had to ask forgiveness to. Jesus replaced my Santa Clause for example. As a really
young kid of about 6, someone asked me what Santa Clause was going to bring me for Christmas. I replied with the
same tone as my father, "Santa Clause isnâ€™t real, Jesus is real!â€� The recipient of that quote had to conclude more
than just â€˜out of the mouth of babesâ€™. But, yeah, God was scary. He was real big, and one day everyone was
going to stand in front of him and hear the question, â€œWhy shall I let you into My heaven?â€� and we had better have
the right response. At least thatâ€™s how a young child concluded it after hearing constant warnings. My mother's eyes
flashed, and still do, when speaking about end-times messages. "The lord is coming soon, like a thief in the night," she
would say to me followed by, "Say your prayers son" I had to talk to this invisible being, or he would be angry. I did too,
and often. I accepted that it heard me, and feared when I hadnâ€™t talked to it, yet at the same time believed my mom
when she told me that he always watched over me. I did feel that there was a sort of big invisible friend always hovering
over me. However, it sometimes became unclear which one of these invisible gods I was speaking to, Jesus or God,
because then at the end of my talks I was taught to always say, â€œIn Jesusâ€™ name, amen.â€� and never, never to
And then another word crept in all the time too that didnâ€™t have much meaning to me; Holy Spirit. I certainly didnâ
€™t know what to make of that one. My Christian school spoke a lot about the Holy Spirit. They said that it came down
and entered your body allowing you to speak in a language that doesnâ€™t exist on the Earth. All I knew is that they
believed this very much and that my father didnâ€™t like them saying these things to me. I soon noticed that my father
and my Christian teachers didnâ€™t seem to get along very well. He said the name of their church in a sarcastic tone: â
€œThe Apostolic Church of Jesus Christâ€�.
I began to understand that my father wasnâ€™t very happy with nearly any church he was in. Thatâ€™s why we
were changing every few months. He called himself a Calvinist, and always explained with his five fingers about the five
points of Calvinism, and spelling the words TULIP with them. Nonetheless at 11 we were then attending a nearby church
which was Mennonite. My father was shaky with that because their current pastor was Baptist, but my mother was just
happy that they had found a church that they half agreed on. The problem was, however, that independent Baptists were
ok, but Southern Baptists were bad because they were liberal. This preacher was part of the Southern Baptist Convention
which always spurred long chats between he and my father. My father would come back sometimes with a red face.
My mother followed my dad pretty much where he went, and throughout my youth we went to almost every
Protestant church in my town (except of course to the Jehovahâ€™s Witnesses or to the Mormons). She liked the family
to stick together. But she always wanted to go to a church called Calvary Baptist. My dad didnâ€™t like their preacher.
He was too young and inexperienced, and there were some obscure doctrinal differences. So she threatened for years
that she would go there even if he didnâ€™t. He always told her to do what she wanted, he didnâ€™t care. He said, â
€œYou normally do what you want anyway behind my back. Thatâ€™s why weâ€™re in debt. You never let me be
head of the household,â€� as the apostle Paul says. Then he would criticize my grandmother, my motherâ€™s mother: â
€œSheâ€™s a darn Methodist. They believe in infant baptism and in loosing your salvation.â€� That was a terrible thing
because everybody knows that once youâ€™re saved youâ€™re always saved, and that infants canâ€™t decide anything
for themselves. So we never went to the Methodist church in town either. They were as bad as the Democrats. One of
my momâ€™s best friends was an Episcopalian and often invited us to her services. Her church was very beautiful, and
in later years I went once or twice. â€œDarn Catholicism and idolatryâ€� sparked my father. My mother didnâ€™t
defend her friend too much here, though there was some disagreement about Catholicism and Protestantism.
I was baptized at 11 into the Mennonite church. I had already been baptized at another Baptist church and would be
baptized yet again in a Presbyterian church, but this one said that it was only because it was a local ritual for entrance into
their congregation. For some reason the rest of my family wasnâ€™t baptized there. But I was taken to the slowly
flowing Peace River, which ran through quiet Arcadia, Florida. The congregation gathered around us. The preacher
waded into the water up to his thighs, and wearing a full suit and tie. I was also wearing dress pants and a shirt and tie
and followed him into the water. I thought it was neat. The preacher spoke some words. I was too nervous to truly pay
attention to what he was going on and on about, though I do remember the reason for baptism and certainly thought that I
was serious about it. Then he motioned for me to come to him and he put his hand over my face and laid me back into
the river, lifting me up again. I was drenched and wiped the water from my eyes and let it drip down my face. Then
slowly I began to make out a strange noise from the banks that continually increased in volume. A woman had raised her
hands to the blazing white sky and was speaking some strange concoction of words, â€œbalkasgabe, blasbadabadu!â€�.
Everyone remained silent, some with their heads bowed, others exchanging embarrassed glances, others rolling their
eyes. The woman wasnâ€™t part of the church, after all and I thought that this sort of thing only happened at my
school. We left the water, my mom wrapping a towel around me, smiling and hugging me; my father speaking, â€œdarn
speaking in tongues. The Bible says it must be done in an orderly fashion, followed by an interpretation.â€�
My father got his interpretation. It came with a phone call and the barking of my dog that same day. One of the
deacons of the church called my mom and said that he had been overcome by the meaning of the blibber-blabber. â
€œYour son will one day be a great preacher.â€� My mother repeated with a tear, and hugged me. I said, â€œBut I donâ
€™t want to be a preacher.â€� I asserted â€œI want to be an astronaut!â€� I even went to Space Camp for that.
My room at that time was evident of my passion for space and a fantastic future. It was painted over with space
stations, posters of jets and space shuttles, blue curtains with stars, a bed-spread with matching stars, and a framed
picture of the Earth taken from the Moon, and glowing star and planet stickers on the ceiling. Of course my bird cages
were also scattered around. Iâ€™ve always loved birds. But I felt strange about this entire situation. I didnâ€™t want to
be a preacher, but I felt now some obligation to my mother, and by doing all these things I felt like I was doing the right
thing. My parents were happy, my sister Karen was happy. Everyone was happy - so I thought.
But then I became an adolescent and my world fell apart. I specifically remember the day, at age 12, when I became
truly conscious of my homosexuality. I was watching a TV program in an outside garage where all my friends would
come and camp out from time to time. A man appeared on the TV with his shirt off. I said to myself, â€œOh my God,
Years of self torment followed. My first sexual experience with another tormented boy followed by a wretched feeling
of repentance, and this happening time and time again. Telling myself that â€œI will be good now, Jesus.â€� followed
by moments of weakness. I hated myself. I had betrayed my parents, my sister, my church. I was embarrassed by
myself. I was a freak. Surely they would hate me if they knew how utterly sour and disgusting I was. And surely I was
going to be damned to hell. Hellâ€¦â€¦... I plead with god, â€œTake this from me, please.â€� Biting my blankets and
soaking my pillow with tears. â€œWhy? Why me? Why have you given me this test? It is a curse! I am too weak to
overcome it!â€� I dreaded life and met with suicidal moments more than once.
My only consolation was the woods that surrounded my small house located on my fatherâ€™s property of about 15
acres. The neighboring plots around me were scarcely populated and so I lived amidst vast hammocks of oak and pine
trees and open pastures with cows and horses. Lone journeys upon the dirt roads surrounding this land were a spiritual
time for myself. Touching trees; listening to my breathing and my footsteps; entering palmetto hideaways. I usually
found myself at the same giant oak tree which just bordered my fatherâ€™s property with our neighborâ€™s. Its trunk
had a twisted shape yet somehow looked like the torso of a woman whose arms stretched up and outward, later drooping
so that once near the tree you had the sensation that you were under a Galapagos mushroom. It was also a place of
comfort and it was there that I communed with Nature most, unknowingly, without titles, without words. It was there
and only there that Nature assured me that I was a natural being no matter what and that all that I had been taught was
But perhaps part of the crisis was the overdramatization of being an adolescent. I see this as certainly possible looking
back now and even working with teenagers often as a teacher. Everything to them is much more exaggerated, and itâ€™s
a sign of maturity to be able to take things with more ease. But what is certain is the fear that I held for years of eternal
judgement that would surely come for being an abomination to the Holy Bible and the Holy God who abhorred people like
I had surely become something that my father utterly abhorred and that my mother would be utterly crushed by. My
dad always talked about the faggots down in Ft. Lauderdale, who when he was 16, always tried to pick him up. Theyâ
€™re all damn pedophiles. They all molest young boys. Theyâ€™re all sick and headed for hell, and they deserve it.
They need to be put in prison or put out of their misery. They were stoned to death in the Bible, you know! Sadly
enough these are often the same words he used when shooting a stray animal coming into our yard. He would make
friends with the dog, puppies or cat, feed it for a couple of days and then take it out to the woods and shoot it. â€œItâ
€™s the humane thing to do, rather than killing them in the pound where they will be scared to death,â€� and I believed
him on that until recently when he did this again to my dog and cat, who were in perfect health.
But still at this time of self-realization, I started to hate him more than worry about his opinion of me and honestly donâ
€™t know what to feel for him now. My mother was always threatening divorce throughout the years, asking me â
€œMark, what do you think about this?!â€� in the midst of their rage. Naturally I sided with mother. This later caused
me to harbor bitter feelings towards her.
Time went on, it always does fortunately! I got to know strange people in the public school I demanded to go to one
day, â€œI will not do any more work in these Christian schools. I will flunk out. I want to go to DeSoto High School
like my sisters.â€� It was the best thing I ever did in defying my parents. I soon was loving Physics and Earth-Space
Science and above all English Literature and Drama.. I met Mormons and Jehovahâ€™s Witnesses, Atheists, Agnostics
and Seventh Day Adventists for the first time. They seemed like good people despite everything my family had ever said
about them and it was then that I first began to doubt my conditioning. High School was a good and bad time like for
most kids, nonetheless it surely kept myself occupied and I grew a lot there and found adult counsel for my sexuality in
two of the teachers, to whom Iâ€™m always grateful.
At this time I became reacquainted with some old friends. One such friend was Ruth and her close friend Michelle. I
began to go to Ruthâ€™s house after school to hang out. Rumors had flown about Ruth and Michelle and their intimate
sexual nature. They were truly a joke in Arcadia and also laughed at because they told everyone that they were witches.
I didnâ€™t mind hanging out with them because I was also somewhat of a joke, and I found a rapport with them. My
older sister, Angie, was still reputable for having had a lesbian affair with one of Arcadiaâ€™s female teachers; this even 8
years after the fact. â€œIâ€™m sure her little brother is a fag too,â€� I learned that even some of the teachers
whispered. Little did they know that they were bang on. Oh, life in a small town can be exciting!
And one day, at the age of 14, I was at the Port Charlotte mall, a town which lies 30 minutes up the road from
Arcadia. In all of my turmoil and rural tendencies towards loving nature and also influence of friends I wandered to the
New Age section against the wishes of my mother. Earth Magick is what I picked up. It changed my life.
At an earlier age I had already heard of Witchcraft, Wicca and Nature religions (mostly Native American) and felt
myself more than attracted to them. As a lonely child I lived deeply in a world of fantasy, showing my natural attraction
towards all of this. I acted out my favorite cartoons in the vast acreage which extended behind my fatherâ€™s property -
such programs as the Smurfs, He Man, Dungeons and Dragons, and the Gummy Bears, Star Wars amongst others. To an
American kid, all these things are innately our culture. I never cared for GI Joe or the Transformers like some of my
friends. They were a competitive boyish macho thing that I never really identified with. Thatâ€™s why I also never
willingly played any sports though my father forced me into little league Baseball and Karate, with bad consequences. My
parents always criticized the cartoons I watched, sometimes limiting me. Our preachers even commented on them
speaking of the evils of Satanic New Age filtering through to young minds. â€œSatanic names of demons are given to the
Smurfs!â€� the preacher would pound on the pulpit, â€œAzrael!â€�. My father always wanted to get rid of the TVâ
€™s because of their demonic and sexual influence. You know, maybe they were right because I had been a New Age
convert for years. Even when they resurrected me in Christ in the Peace River and spoke in tongues for me on that long-
ago summer day was I beckoned by a mystery that was Nature.
I do not recall when I first heard of the title â€œPantheistâ€�, but from early on I always loved it and it sounded
alluring and pure. It was not much later than when I bought the book called Earth Magick that I became more familiar
with the term, though my concepts were rather mixed, and I needed to shrove off many learned ideas. Pantheism. What
a beautiful word to me. It rang true, and I tell you, the reader, that this is a true account of me - that a 14 year-old boy
considered himself Pantheist in the heart, although he didnâ€™t understand the whole implications thereof. I needed to
weed through many, many doctrines before I could emerge forth as a true convert. And itâ€™s a change that ever
continues throughout our lives, I suppose.
My parents became suspicious of my newly found dabblings when I began to paint new things in my room. They
always allowed me to express my creativity of which I must be grateful. First my Top Gun jet pictures went away,
followed by my curtains and bed spread. They were replaced by earthy equivalents. Then I painted a mural on my wall
which met with much criticism. It was a mountain scene with a woman coming out of the mountain, as part of them.
She reached her hand into the sky and held within it something which was glowing. It wasnâ€™t a bad painting for a 15
year-old. â€œMark, are you getting into that New Age junk?â€� my mom criticized one day. â€œDonâ€™t you like the
painting mom?â€� I responded. â€œItâ€™s well-done honey, but the topic concerns me.â€� She added. â€œNah, Iâ
€™m not into that stuff. It comes from a story I read. Just a story.â€� I assured her. But then that December, after
never having had a Christmas tree due to its pagan origins, my father finally gave in to my motherâ€™s and my own
desire to have one. My sisters were jealous because they were just leaving the house and had never had a Christmas tree.
Still, my sister Angie helped me decorate the tree that year. And in January, near Lammas, I took the tree outside and
planted it into a field. Of course it wouldnâ€™t survive, but I decorated it with things from nature - pine cones,
wreathes, grasses. Then on the first of February, it had dried very much, I lit it on fire and sat looking at it. I felt a sense
of primitiveness within me, closed my eyes and felt the heat and thanked the Mother Earth for the coming Spring. This
was admittedly done with a mix of a sense of rebellion, but with an utter sense of wholeness that I was finally practicing
something, although still unnamed, spiritually correct for myself. â€œWhat did you do that for, son?â€� my dad asked
me. â€œThat wasnâ€™t any pagan ritual, was it?â€� â€œOf course not, dad.â€�, was my sharp response before
entering my room and locking the door.
Bowls of natural elements began to appear in my room. Shards of earth guarding my windows. Hanging wreaths laced
with changing colors depending on the seasons, bundles of cloth, knots, and inside my closet were hidden things: books
on witchcraft, journals, spells, coverings for altars and the like. I bought and wrote down whatever I could get my hands
on. By now, Enya was my choir and the outdoors was my temple.
The bomb came one day when my father nearly hit my mother in an argument. I announced that I was leaving home
after physically confronting him. I was getting to be as big as he was. This was at 17. Tension between us had been
mounting for years, unfortunately. This was definitive. I have always been a very dramatic individual. I admit it. They
didnâ€™t believe me when I said it, but when they got home the next day they did. I had already arranged to move into a
tiny apartment in which I had to pay only $75 a month. I was sure I could get by. All my things were gone in a day.
My mom found me quickly, or maybe I found her, and instead of chastising me she helped me - clean my horrible little
apartment! My sister Karen also thought it was good for me to separate from my father for a while. Typical Anglo-
Saxon family drama, isnâ€™t it? Ha. I stayed in that apartment for probably 6 months and it was a good time to begin
During that time my sister Angie came to visit me. She had lived away from home for some years now. Upon her visit
she told me that she was ready to come out to mom and dad. She had been living with a woman for about 2 years after
divorcing her husband. That marriage had lasted for about a year, but had resulted in the birth of my first niece, Jessica.
Angie wanted me to accompany her on this important day. This was my cowardice, however, and I didnâ€™t. she
understood because of my age, â€œWhen I was 17 I wouldnâ€™t have been able to tell them,â€� she assured me before
driving off. But she did also ask me if I wanted her to tell them about the both of us. I said OK. I regret not having done
it together with her now, but that is how it went. And it was the same day that I got a knock on my door with my oldest
sister, Karen, crying: â€œIs it true?â€� I had recently been even more rebellious, woe is me, and had not one of my ears
pierced, but both of them done! In red-neck Arcadia, people just donâ€™t do these things! J And when she entered all
she could say was, â€œOh, Mark, how could you?â€�. This was followed by my dad the next day who came to try and
make peace, or so he said, but he wanted confirmation that his only son was a homosexual. He got it. I was frightened
when I saw his truck parked outside the building and went and covered my right ear with a band aid - how funny looking
back at that! His first comment was, â€œYou got your right ear pierced!â€� and soon left. Poor guy. And poor mom,
she didnâ€™t come around for a while. She was destroyed and so ashamed.
â€œGo to Exodus International, please son!â€� my mother pleaded with me, â€œIâ€™m so sorry, if Iâ€™ve done
anything wrong, if your father has. I feel insulted that you donâ€™t like women. Does that mean that you donâ€™t like
me? (hunh?) You are an adolescent trapped in a manâ€™s body! There are so many gays and lesbians who have
changed. If you truly want to change, you can. Just try it, but I donâ€™t see you trying.â€� Said my sister Karen, â
€œThe power of Jesus can overcome anything!â€�
My next announcement was, â€œDad, Iâ€™ve joined the NAVY, and Iâ€™m leaving Arcadia forever. Iâ€™ll never
live in your house again.â€� And at 18 I left that small Florida town and have only returned for brief visits.
Now, by the age of 25, Iâ€™ve circled the globe. I have met Muslims, Hindus, almost all sects of Christianity,
Buddhists, Atheists, Witches and Pantheists face to face. Conversing with all of these diverse people has revolutionized
my way of thinking concerning reality. I concluded upon my search that the concept of god must be something much
greater and all-inclusive to humanity and all of life on the Earth. It cannot be such an exclusive and scientifically resentful
religion. Of everyone I have talked to, not one knows any more about the origins of the Universe or the divine purpose to
life; if there be any. And yet most claim that within their belief system and culture they have a special knowledge that
others lack, giving me non-tangible evidences and books and blind faith. After muddling through a couple of years of
trying to believe in a deity which was both Male and Female, and still part of everything, mixing these spiritual things very
much with the sexual morality crisis I needed to resolve, I found the most rational and honest approach to reality that I
believe exists. Does it claim to have all the answers? No, and thatâ€™s why I like it even more. It is truthful, and doesnâ
€™t fill my head with foggy notions.
I am indeed a Pantheist. And that spiritual attraction to its ideology as well as its beautiful sound and completely correct
combination for myself, those things which I vaguely came into contact with and only partly understood as a 14 year-old
boy, coincide exactly with my perception and limited understanding of reality today. This is my gut feeling of truth, my
faith concerning existence. Nothing else has come close to being as honest and frank. And it has enhanced my life,
allowed me to savor things that I only marginally dealt with before. It has given me a defense for being the human animal
that I am with all of my natural desires and instincts, and in that, has given me a reason for being - which is to simply be,
and to revel in the gift of existence. I liberated myself by being me, being part of Gaiaâ€™s life, and resolved
unanswerable questions with Pantheism. All of this came to me upon the road out of Arcadia.
Mark E. Foley - Barcelona, Spain, 2001
|The Road out of Arcadia
by Mark E. Foley, Arcadia, Florida
Raised in an extreme American fundamentalist family, he found it more and more difficult to
accept his maternal religion and in light of personal experiences with self-acceptance, he
discovered a more honest approach to reality
TRUTH. This one word holds some of the greatest implications for the history of humanity. "What is truth?" is probably
the most fundamental question and quest within a human beingâ€™s life. Its answers are never easy, never fully
revealed, and always extremely personalized. However, groups do manage to form, wherein people of similar, logical
minds regarding the truth of this reality we live in, begin to develop a communal bond amongst themselves and a much-
needed sense of acceptance and belonging. Within the vast range of philosophical and religious choices offered
throughout the history of Homo sapient thought, Pantheism is probably the oldest, most basic and visceral of all
This web site is dedicated to those individuals who succeeded in finding their truths in the philosophy of Pantheism, or
Natural Spirituality. Most of these individuals have deconverted from their maternal religion, primarily from forms of
Christianity, ranging from Roman Catholicism to Protestant Fundamentalism to Mormonism. Many of their transitions
have been painful journeys which, for some, have divided families and caused loss of friends; yet, at the same time, these
were investigations that the individual had to complete in order to satisfy her/his own conscience. In breaking away from
what they now see as scams, lies and cultural conditioning, these individuals found (with their newly achieved freedom
of thought) a burden being lifted from their hearts â€“ the oppressive weight of belief in archaic myths which are
ultimately detrimental to the spirit and essence of our being. This new way of perceiving and defining reality, Pantheism,
has given these individuals the ability to live as honest human beings, empathetic and caring creatures in a profound
relationship with their sacred planet Earth and revered Universe.
All of the stories are as unique as the individuals themselves. These accounts of the personal triumphs and tragedies
of their individual lives only give us a brief glimpse of the complexity of every individual's unique perspective and her/his
contribution to the fabric of our reality. There is a common thread woven into each of these unique stories; in each case
the individual had to swim upstream, against the chaotic current of prevailing proclamations of "truth". Individually, each
one has found at least partial truth in the implications of science or in their own spiritual connection with the Divine laws
of Nature. Within that they have discovered a more radical, healthier, and ultimately more fulfilling approach towards life.
They have gathered here on this site to share their stories, to at last speak about their Paths to Pantheism.
|Autobiographies and Deconversion Stories