Paths To Pantheism 3

I come from a long line of faithful Mormons going back several generations (so does my husband). All my relatives and any friends my parents associated with as I was growing up were members of the Mormon church. I accepted the church without question. My parents knew the church was true so I thought I did too. I felt lucky to be born in the church and “born with a testimony”. I did everything I was supposed to do: always attended all my church meetings and activities, did baptisms for the dead when opportunity came, got all the possible awards in the young womens program by filling out goal books each year, read all the standard works during high school (Bible, Book of Mormon, Doctrine & Covenants and Pearl of Great Price), faithfully attended early morning seminary every school day, graduated from Brigham Young University, and married in the Los Angeles temple to a returned missionary.

My husband and I both completely stopped believing in the Mormon faith about two years after we were married, when I was about 22 years old. The thing that got me thinking is the question of the validity of faith to define truth. Just because I want desperately for something to be true doesn't necessarily make it true. Feeling good about something determines taste not truth. It speaks to my heart, not my mind. Getting a burning feeling in the bosom about the Book of Mormon doesn't prove Joseph Smithąs statements about how he got it. It's a logical flaw, like mixing apples and oranges. I have not received any witness. Nothing I can't explain in another way has happened to me personally. I have only had a good feeling as others have had because they can't imagine that there is nothing after death. It hurts them and makes them feel awful to think of that and so to think of a life after death makes them have a good happy feeling. I also felt very empty and awful when I questioned this and tried not to think of it at first. Thinking of no life after death leaves a very empty, painful feeling. But this is still no reason. Just because I want to live with my family forever doesn't make it so. The brain is a better detector of truth than the heart. The best example I can think of is the story of the “Emperor's New Clothes”. The king and all the people believed he was really wearing these wonderful clothes. It's like me believing in the Church because my parents and family all do. I thought someday I would be good enough to actually know the church is true (see the clothes). But I finally realized the church is not true (he's not wearing clothes at all). Another good example is Santa Claus. I believed in him when I was a little kid until I grew out of it. It was a nice thing to believe and made me happy, but just because I was happy didn't mean he literally existed like I thought he did then.

Another high point in this change in me was when my husband, my brother and I went to a Christmas midnight mass in Pasadena in December 1981. We went for the beautiful music, but were also extremely touched by the sermon. The pastor talked about some specific world problems and said that if each person would have peace within himself, this would rub off on his family. If each family had peace, it would rub off on the community, continuing on to the entire world, but it starts with the individual. He called the congregation a “motley crew” made up of all kinds of people coming from all races and walks of life, but united that night in wanting peace. We were touched because this was a sermon that could be for anyone, non-specific to Mormons.

The world is very big and there are a lot of religions, philosophies and belief systems. I just couldn't believe that there was a one and only true church on the earth. It’s so much nicer to meet people in different places and not have to feel sorry for them because they aren’t members of the Mormon church. I feel much more free and open. Through our extensive traveling, my husband, children and I have been able to go to some very wonderful art museums and my children have learned to love art as I do. One of my favorite artists is Claude Monet and after having read and studied about him, I was able to go with the family to his house and gardens in Giverny, France. It was a beautiful combination of art and nature. We have been to many beautiful places and enjoyed mountains, forests, scenery, etc. and have shared many very wonderful experiences.

It took me about 17 years since I stopped believing in the Mormon faith and in God altogether for me to come out to my parents and siblings. My fear of coming out to them was justified, as some of my believing family members have not been able to accept me for who I am now that they know. But having them love me for something I'm not was not any better, so I'm still happy I had the courage to tell them, though I wish I had done it sooner. I just didn't feel ready any sooner. On July 4, 1999, my husband, my three children and I officially quit the Mormon church. I was open and told my family this too.

At first I was very depressed and felt empty at not believing in God and especially not believing in life after death any more. I thought about the flowers and it calmed my soul for the first time in a long while. They are beautiful and they leave a lasting impression on those who admire them. One day they die and are gone, and others come in their place, but in their time, they make the world beautiful. They are pure and innocent and lovely. I am like a flower and so are my husband and my children, and we influence others with whom we come in contact. Our music may make some kind of impression on those who have heard us just like someone who stops to admire a beautiful flower and then goes on his way. A good friend of ours lost his mother. He questioned himself, wondering if it would have been better had he not been so close to his mother because then her death would not be so painful. Of course not; it's good he had such a wonderful relationship. He made her happy and he has those great memories. I learned from this that we can't stop living because we are afraid. It must be like recess at school. Should I sit and not play because I don't know when the whistle will blow and I have to stop or should I play hard until the whistle blows? I think the latter is the best. One scripture from the bible that I like is: Matthew 6:34, “Take therefore no thought for the morrow for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.” My mother also taught me not to worry ahead of time about things, not to worry until you have to. I don't worry about death as much any more.

At age 41, I finally discovered something that exactly describes my world view and that's pantheism. I discovered the Web site by typing in the word pantheism in a search engine and after reading everything there, I ordered Paul Harrison's book and read it. Everything just fell into place and I felt like at last I could put a name to what I had been all along. I also found many others who felt the same way. It was wonderful and has helped me feel much better about my life. I don't believe the Mormons are the only ones who can answer those questions I heard so many times in that Church.

1. Where did we come from?
2. Why are we here?
3. Where are we going?

Answers from Paul Harrison's book:

1. We came from stars. All the stars and galaxies in the universe are made of the same substance. After the big bang, all the stardust was strewn across space and then re-gathered in the solar system allowing life to evolve.

2. Because we are conscious human beings, we are able to choose our own purpose in life.

3. When we die, our elements and energy will go back into the nature we came from allowing new life to emerge. In this way we live on. Our genes live on through our children and close relatives. We live on through the things we have created and through the memories we leave with those who knew us.

To me, those are beautiful thoughts. I don't need a God to give me a purpose in life. I can make my own. Just being a part of this earth and universe, gives me a reason to want to observe, understand and love the universe and nature. "Since this is the only world I will ever witness, it's important to perceive it in its full richness, diversity, beauty and mystery." I wish to focus my energy more into the fascinations of this world and to experience as much as I can through the senses and make the most of my life.

Cindy Christensen
Germany, 3/2001

Go to next story (Tor Myrvang)

My Deconversion Story
by Cindy Christensen

Contributors:
Mark Foley
Ezella Kay
Cindy Christensen
Tor Myrvang